Saturday, April 3, 2010

The deadly trio of 2010's 1st quarter

Legion, Solomon Kane and Clash of the Titans. What do they have in common? I dunno if whether it's a new style of film making, where the concept is the number one concern rather than substance, but regardless, shit like these needs to stop. That's already RM30 of my hard earned cash, not including duit tol, gas, parking and the overpriced in theatre junk food. And for what? For what?????

I swear, there were times in those 3 movies, that i just wanted to scream "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUCK?" out loud in the cinema. And I somehow have the feeling that a lot of people would join in as well. cuz these three movies are definitely some of the worst pieces of crap that i've ever paid to see this year.

for those who haven't watched any of these, don't. unless its for the sake of finding out how bad it is personally. I'd advise against it tho. Don't say I didn't warn you if you go thru it. just for the heck of it, imma just write a really short list of what's in the whole of the 1 and a half hours of the movies i just mentioned just to sate your curiousity. *SPOILER ALERT~!!!!!!*

legion :
- gay angel fighting possesed people who look and act a lot like zombies.
- gay angel killing zombie-like people with guns. yes, even in heaven there's still no escaping National Service Training.
- Gay angels fighting each other with guns and what seems like a mechanized spinning mace.
- Gay angels fighting like 2 drunks in a bar.
- an old woman zombie, a little girl zombie, and an ice cream man zombie. luh-aaammmeeee........
- in short, just lotsa gay angel stuff.

Solomon Kane :
- had kind of a kickass pirate looking entrance for the intro. and the main guy looks kinda badass in that scene.
- after the fight with the hooded flame-blade wielding demon thing he turned gay, denounced violence, had his body fully tattooed with what appears like doodles you'd normally do in class. and hiding in a church/chapel/whatever cuz he's too scared to go out and fight them demons that were looking for him.
- a really weird and very long and drawn out scene with this one traveling caravan family which ended with the father being stabbed, the son's throat being slit, the other brother who came out of nowhere in a scene and just had like one line who also died (seriously man, this dude just pops out of nowhere!! I was like what the eff?? who is this guy? Where'd he come from??), the mother left behind with a bunch of corpses and the daughter kidnapped by what looks like Nacho Libre on steroids.
- Solomon then turned emo and killed some of the leftover guards which were pointless cuz he wasn't protecting the rest of the family. he just went apeshit.
- after the fight found everyone was dead, dying father asked him to look for daughter. he stole some swords and a cape and a horse from the dead bad guys and rode off only to fail again. weeee!!
- emo again, went to church prayed to god after denouncing him, got thrown into a a cellar filled with zombies got out fought some more bad guys who told him the girl was dead (she was alive btw), killed them and then became emo again and got wasted in a tavern.
- this was when me and my friends walked out of the cinema. Too much emo shit, too much bullshit, its just basically a shitfest.

Clash of the titans
- yet another movie where the main guy is a fisherman.
- who turns out to be a demigod
- family killed by hades
- zeus got angry at humans cuz they duwan to love him no more
- asks hades to kill some people in a town.
- hades had other plans to overthrow zeus
- found the guy who was turned into the hunchback of notre dame. who's actually the guy who tried to kill zeus long before. but zeus showed him who's boss by fucking his girl right in his own palace bedroom. Oh yeah!! zeus FTW!!
- Zeus waited for the guy to come on, at the same time showing his bare ass and and a smirk before awesomely shapeshifted into an eagle and flew off to olympus to smoke a fag or two.
- guy killed wife, got struck by zeus's lightning bolt, hence turned into the above said hunchback of notre dame.
- zeus helped out perseus by giving him a sword which had a lightsaber-ish looking mechanism. dunno why he was helping him tho cuz, he did say at the start of the movie that he didnt wanna help his bastard son.
- perseus traveled to find witches and kill gods. had some friends along the way. fought some scorpions, rode some scorpions, lose some scorpions, fight training with Io on the ship, which lasted about 2 seconds. i guess that's all the training u need to kill a medusa. cheesy speech before medusa battle, lost balance in medusa lair, fell down, lost one friend, by the time he got up he lost two more, and by the time he actually fights the medusa, everyone already died. woohoo!!
- after slicing the medusa's head came out of cave, was expecting rough, victory open air sex with Io now that everyone's dead. but fell short when the hunchback stabbed the girl through the back. the hunchback must have had some ninja training, cuz im pretty sure she would've seen that guy coming. it was a wide open space and that guy looks like he swam in a pool of minced beef!
- perseus who was still horny and still had his boner, kills hunchback, pegasus comes out of nowhere, flies to city, killed kraken by just dangling the sliced medusa's head in front of it. and the kraken is supposed to be the biggest baddest titan around that even the gods were scared of this thing. not really the end battle i was hoping for really.

yeah.. and that's about it.

imma go out training now. bye bye people :D


RuNNi said...

Whoah.. somebody's sure is pissed... ^.^

I bet the cinema mocked you; *Ssuuuuuuucker* on your way out... Hahaha...

Abudi Alsagoff said...

your review of the clash of the titans is the best!!! I find it hard to believe that all these titans are so fucking emo and horny. :0 what the fuck?